People move on...

me: its not that i am particularly angry and sad.. or anything like that..
or outright shocked..
me: its not like i'm feeling out of wits..
Myself: kk
me: and its not like some one.. whom i still consider my best friend messages me.. to not call
further..
Myself: kk
me: not even taking the pain to say that to me.. after picking up the call..
i'm just someone who irritates ppl rt..
so i shd be only ignored..
Myself: kk
me: and when i become too irritating.. hit me with a message ..
dont ppl have even the courage to say that..
we are not even face to face..
i wonder how i wd have been treated if we wd have met..
i am sure it wd have been normal..
when al the time.. ppl think that i shd just leave them alone..
and i really wonder how many ppl think about me like that..
just how many of those.. whom i call friends.. really do think of me as such..
i'm blabbering rt..
ya ya
i know.
i'm blabbering..
and i dont even know how i'm feeling rt now..
Myself: no no..go on..ddnt i say i like u blabbering??
me: haan haan. enjoy urself..
Myself: verry hurt wud b a start
me:hurt wdnt even be the start..
Myself: try betrayed den
me: and it wdnt have been like this if i wd have ben told..
i'm not even worth talking to..rt..
when i call..first the cals are igniored..
then tha calls are cancelled..
then cell phone is switched off..
and if i send an sms.. and call again..
then all i'm worth is an sms saying.. "dont call me further"
thats it..
and here i used to think that i had ppl whom i cd call best friends..
i was studying earlier.. and now.. i was just staring at the book and the ceiling alternately..
i didnt even know wat to do..
Myself: fr every one jerk like dis..der r 10 more who dnt think dis way..
its nt worth it
dis "frnd" is jst nt worth it den..
me: and i'm afraid.. that there are more.. ppl.. who think of me in such way..
thats the most predominant thing in my mind now.
just how many more ppl think like this about me..
Myself: well ders at least one i can vouch fr who dusnt :P
me: and how many times ppl just keep up the fake smiles when they are with me..
and i'm very afraid..
and i'm ashamed.. that i am afraid..
and i'm ashamed that i am doubting others..
but i relly cant help doubting..
Myself: its only human to feel all dis..
u dnt need to feel ashamed of it..
me: evrytime now i think of sometime when i talked to someone.. i wonder if all that time.. it was truly friendship,,.. or all the time.. they were thinking that i was being irritting..
i dont even know wat to make of anything rt now..
Myself: well it cud be both too..
listen..
n listen gud..
me: i was feeling out of sorts..
and trying to keep my mind off thinking about it
but i really cant stop thinking about it...
even if ppl move on in life.. cant they at the least say a hi.. when u call..
Myself: ur a gud frnd..a really gud frnd..n der r always gonna b ppl who appreciate dat..n at d same time der will also b dese jerks who dnt value it dat much..u jst need to live fr d ones who do think of u as a true frnd n nt fret abt d ones who dnt..
me: even if the person i hated wd call me.. i wd pick up..
Myself: well..unfortunately fr u..everyones nt like u..
me: and how wd i know who is the one who really cares.. and who doesnt..
who knows tomm..
someone else may say.. that they were never really considering me as friends.. and it was all just nothing
Myself: ders no sure-fire way to find out..othr dan puttin dem on sodium amytal (which u reaaaaally shudnt do)..bt well..ul knw..
me: i know ppl move on.. and i know that i suck at it.. i just cant forget any of my friends ever.. i remember evry little incident ever happened .. i remember evry little silly conversation i ever had with friends..
me: and i remm nearly evry single person i ever met and even came close to friends..
Myself: i knw..i knw..bt u cant help it if othrs dnt feel d same way na..
so try n keep as many of dem as u can..n d ones who u cant..well..u jst cant den..
Myself: bt if u keep doubting everyone coz of one incident like dis..den d whole point is lost..
me: i am not exactly blaming her for telling me to stop calling her..
me: i never thot of her as a coward.. whatever else..
i know she was arrogant most of the times.. and didnot treat evry1 well.. and all that..
but never did i think she was a coward..
me: so much that she cudnt pick up the phone and tell me..??
Myself: (assuming its ****** ur talkin of..coz i reaally cant think of anyone else)..she was always d "moving on" kind..
me: yes.. i even knew that..
and we really did talk about such things many times too..
Myself: its nt abt cowardice..
Myself: she jst didnt think it was worth it..coz ud blow up n get angry..n she jst wanted to avoid dat..
me: the thing i really blame her for.. is not picking up my call and saying it..
and i really feel hurt the most for that one single thing..
Myself: she didnt want u sayin all dis to her..she probably wudnt hav d patience fr dat..
me: if she wd have picked up that call.. i wdnt even have blown up.. i smsed her.. that she just had to pick up and say whatever she wants.. and i wont call if she doesnt want me to..
but i didnot expect an sms..
and i wd still remm that there is a person whom i can still consider my friend.. but also i wd always remm that she had cut my calls and used an sms to break up something.. which was friendship for me..
and i wd never forgive her for that..
Myself: ok how do i say dis w/o cuming off as highly insensitive....shes nt d kinda girl who u shower with msgs n calls..she gets irritated easily..(kinda d whole point here)..d more u called d more irritated she got..shed b extremely happy to b frnds with u had u kept in touch like twice a yr or so..shes jst built dat way..
me: ohh.. twice a yr..
dont make me laugh..
Myself: (ok actually i wud really like dat..make u laugh i mean..bt dats beside d point here..)
me: the last conversation we had was a 30 sec conversation when i suddenly had to ask some bio doubt.. and i just remm her.. and that was about 7-8 months ago..
and b4 that.. the last sms i got from her was in april last yr..
so that wd make an sms after 1yr 7 months..
and 30 sec conversation we had.. where i talked.. only.. about 7-8 months back..
me: and even b4 that.. i never really called her.. bcoz i know that she is impatient and all..
Myself: well thr u hav it..shes like dat..shes content with jst dat..
Myself: n if u push it..shed get irritated..
me: but if for some reason u get like 10 missed calls on the day of ur birthday.. and several smses..
actually i sent only 1 sms
dont u send a thank you for a birthday wish..
Myself: u pressed it too hard..n it broke..dats all..
me: so its just my fault after all..
rt..
i shdnt even have tried to wish her a happy birthday then..??
Myself: bt thankfully everyones nt like her..actually shes probably jst one piece..
me: i know..
Myself: dnt b dumb..
its nt abt whose fault it is..
me: ya ya..
Myself: ur both different ppl..whos take on frndship n frnds..is different..dats all..
me: and i already knew that.. since loong back..
Myself: den u shudnt b so surprised/shocked now..
me: it doesnt mean i expected any friendship to break..
ppl who have different takes on friendship and frnds.. are friends..
its rare that ppl think about those things similarly..
it doesnt mean that they arent friends..
so.. if u really look for conditions b4 making friends.. one wd never have a friend...
and i believe that...
Myself: ders *someone i know*..whos jst d same..well nt exactly.. *he/she*openly told dat *he/she*s "conditional frnds"..like frnds coz f benefits..like somone to sit with in class n lunch n dinner n stuf..to go out with..stuff like dat..*he/she*s gr8 frnds with *some other ppl i know* who hav like no idea..n only n i and *someone else* knw wats *he/she*s really like n how *he/she* thinks of frnds..n its dumb dat dey r so blind to it..bt cant help it.. (its just all info from my mind isnt it..??)
Myself: see..wen u knew wat she was like..den u shudnt hav tried to change her..nt change change..bt..u shudnt mind wen she dusnt reply n ignores n stuff..coz shes like dat n u knew wen u became frnds dat she wud b dis way..
me: thats the reason i never really call the ppl here at iit my friends..
me: there are very few.. here who dont sit with ppl and talk in a friendly manner just to be friendly.. and not bcoz they have to pass their time.. or they are looking for benifits and all..
and thats what i always meant by saying that i was lonely at iit...
but just ignoring calls.. is way differet than this...
Myself: jst how many calls n msgs did u giv???
must hav been quite a lot fr dis sort of reaction..
me: 2 calls ignored.. 3rd call cancelled..
then cell swithed off..
i sent a ssingle sms.
and when the cell came back on.. 2 calls ignored.. and then i got the reply..
the sms i mean..
and now i even have a doubt if she told her family to tell that she is not there when i called her to wish her happy birthday...

me: the present place u r in.. i'm truly very jealous of it..
there arent really any ppl..here.. in front of whom i wont need to hold myself back.. or keep reserved.. i have to always keep thinking that i shdnt do this here.. or i shdnt talk like this to this ppl.. there arent any ppl here who wd accept anyone as they really are.. and i am pretty sure.. evry1 keeps themselves held back here.. in front of evry1 else.. and that makes me feel verry lonely... bcoz i cant tolerate that... and whenever i hear some ppl talk about friends.. i feel verry jealous .. not that its a bad thing.. but i really feel jealous..
plzz dont take this wrongly as in.. i'm not blaming anything or like that.. i am just complaining that i feel lonely all the time here...
and tho it is unacceptable.. that is one of the reason i feel dissatisfied here,,. and i lose my interest pretty quickly at anything..
and i know all those things i am saying.. even i have to be like those other ppl here.. and i dont like myself.. for not being honest,,. and acting politely to ppl i dont care about and all. i hate myself for that..

hehe.. u gone too..??
but u know wat.. when such things happen now (any small thing).. there will be a part of me.. however small.. less than 0.00001% that wd think.. that there wasnt any excuse really.. just i was the reason.. its not abt anyone in particular.. but in general...
its nearly one page long..
i have really been typing like crap..
i am typing anything and evrything..
so dont mind it
Myself: n y wud i go..??
me: i said naa.. its not abt u..
Myself: i dnt leave things half way..
however irritating u mite get :P
me: its like an analogy..
Myself: ya ya i knw..
me: and i know u wd take it all and return it tenfold.. when u start blabbering..
:P
Myself: tch tch tch
m starting to doubt my powers of blab..lukin at u now :D
me: hehe..
this might be the longest single thing i typed.. except my blogs maybe.. but in blogs i have to think.. this might be the longest thing i typed.. without actually having to think..
Myself: hehe
Myself: (den wat'll i do wen u do think n blab!!)
me: :)
me: so when i said i blab much more than u when i start.. i wasnt just boasting,.. or may be i may not have been sure if i cd really beat u.. or like that... but never think i cant blabber..
Myself: oh plz..i havnt evn started blabbering!!
Myself: m alllways holding myself back..u shud ask ppl here..(i dont wanna know who else in my head..)dey r sick n tired of me blabbering..on..n on..n on..all d time..it was a unanimous vote dat i shud b put to sleep ..immediately..fr d greater gud ..
me: so never mind that...
we dont really need to talk about and argue about our blabbering prowess here...
we arent exactly competeing rt..
or are we..??
:P
Myself: v vernt..??
me: keep it at that..
as for myself i dont really know wat i'm about to write b4 i start writing...
once i start.. it cd go anywhere.. i dont really know.. or stop to think..
me: (one of my bad habits.. which lead to lesser marks in essays.. in smaller classes.. had to stop doing that.. and think and write.. in exams after that...)
Myself: hehe
cho cute
:P
me: but it really did help when i wrote reviews..
we had to do many reviews.. of poems.. and their inner meaning.. and the poet's intent and all that... and i used to write for pages.. and i really did write all the things the poet cd ever mean in a single line.. and i used to exhaust all the meanings a combination of two lines can have
Myself: :)
me: so i used to get good matrks at reviews.. and such projects..
but have to think caefully and write.. fr gre.. i actually have to start practicing writing essays again.. not essays exactly.. but that portion of gre.. where i wd be needed to type for loong about a certain topic.. or argue about some topic..
Myself: hmmm
so..better now??
me: dunno exactly..
but i'll survive.
Myself: of course u will..
me: :D
Myself: if sumthg dis small wud get u down n out den howd u take ovr d world eh??
:P
me: its a bit complicated actually.. sometimes i dont get down at all.. and feel absolutely all rt.. like y i shdnt care if asomething happens.. and sometimes.. i feel like i'm at the bottom of the depest sea...
and btw i wd have u with me rt.. when taking over the world..
:P
Myself: yep..

Myself: been a long time since uv said something..
me: not that long..
Myself: pretty long
me: actually.. was checking the % of dld completed..of animes..
Myself: like?
me: dlded.. the following
bamboo blade
prism ark
majin-tantei-nogami-neuro
blue drop..
clannad
shakugan no shana second
kimikiss puro rouge
myself yourself
nightwizard
rental magica
goshuushou-sama ninomiya-kun
juushin enbu
seirei no moribito
me: hmmm thats all in anime..
and dlding liar game and first kiss in dorama
Myself: kk

me: so....
is it good night..??
Myself: is it..??
me: bcoz i got to wake up early..
not very early but i cant sleep in till afternoon
got some things to do..
Myself: hmm
me: and studying too..
and project too..
aaaaaaah
Myself: hehe
me: theres soo much to do..
me: i know..
so i'm not exactly complaining.. but like exasperated...
(i hope it was the rt word to use there)
trying to use such words now.. practicing for gre..:P
Myself: yep it is..
me: i really have gone to quite a large number of animes at the moment rt...
from nothing for 3 weeks to again all these in 3 days..
me: ya.. since the pressure is increasing.. i have started more..
me: so anyway..
i shd say bye
"Bye"
"Good Night"
i shd go now..
to sleep i mean
Myself: gnite
bbye
me: cya
Myself: cya
me: not exactly see of corz.. since ur in my head anyway.. :P
me: thanx for fishing me out of the bottom of the sea,....
Myself: anytime..
still hav sum use of u left aftr all..hehe (dont wanna know... :P)
me: kk
Myself: now shoo!!




P.S.:

First off.. me denotes the conscious me. and Myself denotes the subconscious me.. or u can call it the voice of reason (in my head). or whatever u can call it. (i wont be surprised if it was some alien from outerspace who was talking with me.. or the another me from another parallel universe..:P)

Also.. i may have written too many things.. here.. which i dont exactly remember.. i did try editing.. but still if theres something left which wd offend u.. plzz forgive me for it..

And furthermore.. there were some coments about ppl at iit here.. its not exactly true what i wrote.. i do actually have friends here.. this was just wat i wrote at the moment. when i was feeling really awful.. and all.. (but i'm not discounting what i wrote completely too..)

Finally.. this is completely factual. This was exactly wat i was thinking at the moment.. and this conversation did happen.. (and yes.. i do talk to myself very often.. doesnt mean i'm crazy.. and i am not exactly saying i'm not crazy..)

So there u have it.

ByE.
LaTeR tHeN.